Friday, December 2, 2011

The moment

Live in the moment, she says. But I can't. The moment is too bright and beautiful. It burns my eyes and the hairs inside my nostrils. In order to bear it I must squeeze my eyelids tightly enough to focus on something else, off in the distance.  But there is no relief in that. Only mourning.

Thursday, September 22, 2011


What!?!? Shel Silverstein is still alive and writing?!?!  Why was I under the impression that he had died of a drug overdose? 

Oh, wait.  I have checked my facts. 

Sadly, he has passed on (of a heart attack in 1999, not a drug overdose - Sorry, that was a bit dramatic.), and this is a collection of poetry and drawings from The Archives.

 I must obtain this book!

9.27.11:  Update.  Look what arrived at my house yesterday, courtesy of my husband and

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Let's get back to the re-naming, shall we?

I am honored, humbled, encouraged by the quality and quantity of feedback that I have received for my first posting in over a year and a half.  Many heartfelt thank yous to everyone who took precious time out of their lives to help me!

Every time I sign in, however, the name that I chose for my blog when I created it stares at me and challenges me to come up with a more appropriate moniker. 

"Undecided" reflects so much of where I was and how I was feeling at that time.  I knew I wanted to start posting, but was not able to come up with a good title for the blog.  "Undecided" was meant to be temporary.  A placeholder.  I was hoping that I would come up with a better title as I worked on my Martha Stewart posts.  I figured that my creative endeavors would unlock my muse from her fortress of solitude and she would whisper in my ear, giving me the perfect word, phrase, expression.

This is as difficult for me as choosing wall paint colors.  (Read: torturous.)  

I want the title to be charming, simple, memorable, clever, meaningful.  In my head I am reviewing what is most important and meaningful in my life.  I have considered using a reference to a favorite band, movie or book, but have dismissed that idea because those were created by other people.  What is MOST important to me?  That's easy.  My family.  My husband and daughter are the Center of My Universe.  Maybe I could use a version of one of our pet names for each other, or a reference to one of our long-running private jokes. 

I will continue to ponder this and come back to it, but right now my lunch break is ending and I must get back to making the doughnuts.

Da Bills

Um, yes, please.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Renaming and reviving.

Hoo boy.  It has been over a year and a half since my last post.  Right after I started this blog my sweet little family received some life-changing news.  This sounds a bit melodramatic, but what happened changed our lives in many ways.  

Here's the down and dirty:  My darling, talented, patient and hard-working (did I mention exceedingly handsome?) husband was told by his then employer that they didn't have enough of the kind of work he does (some kind of software engineering - don't ask me what; something to do with Lotus Notes, I think) to continue to pay his agreed-upon salary.  So he had to take a BIG pay cut or lose his job.  We were already struggling to stay afloat financially because of me not working much since our daughter was born.  We could NOT afford to lose that much income.  At the time I was only working 15 hours or even less a week at a fairly low hourly amount.  This allowed me to contribute at least a little bit monetarily and I had total flexibility so that I could be there for our daughter.  I volunteered at her school (which I LOVED and miss so much), took her to and from various appointments, lessons and friends' houses, did the shopping, cleaning, laundry, etc.  I loved being able to be there for her.  Michael, being a responsible provider for his family, agreed to take the cut, but immediately started looking for a better position at a better salary. 

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason.  This thought, and some good deep breathing, gave me the strength to do what needed to be done.

I had myself a good cry, got angry, and then got focused.  I updated my resume (a challenge in itself) and started combing the job postings online and in the paper.  I asked friends for recommendations if they heard of anything out there that I might be able to do.  I filled out applications.  I went on interviews.

I was very fortunate to find a great company with an entry level customer service job that was open.  The interview was long (2 hours!) and intense, but I liked them and they liked me. So I went from fretful mostly stay-at-home mom to fretful working mom. 

In the big scheme of things, Michael's former employer actually did us a favor.  It didn't seem so at the time, of course.  It's amazing what panic that instilled in me.  But I have learned SO MUCH:  about myself; what I'm capable of; new skills; new friends; that I have more to be thankful for than losses to mourn.

So this brings me to: NOW.  Now I am going to do my very best to make time for what every atom of my mind and body have been screaming at me to do:  WRITE!  I need it, crave it, think about it, fear it.  I have so freaking many things in my head that I want to write about that it is difficult to pick a place to start.  Everyone should have such problems, right?

I have felt that the first thing I needed to is document the reason that I stopped writing in this blog, but the task seemed so tedious.  So much has changed since we got "The News."  And it is not easy to look back on that month or so of total panic.  I was a woman who was nearing 40, had not finished college, had been out of the full time working world for over 9 years.  The economy was tanked and jobs that paid what I needed to make were difficult to find.  Especially for someone without a degree or special skill. 

The fear of not being good enough has been my biggest hurdle, and one that I have been trying to find a way around or even avoid altogether.  So today I made myself jump over it.  Someone confirmed for me last weekend what I knew all along:  I just have to write.  Even if it's crap, just write something.  I hope it's not crap.