Saturday, August 13, 2011

Renaming and reviving.

Hoo boy.  It has been over a year and a half since my last post.  Right after I started this blog my sweet little family received some life-changing news.  This sounds a bit melodramatic, but what happened changed our lives in many ways.  

Here's the down and dirty:  My darling, talented, patient and hard-working (did I mention exceedingly handsome?) husband was told by his then employer that they didn't have enough of the kind of work he does (some kind of software engineering - don't ask me what; something to do with Lotus Notes, I think) to continue to pay his agreed-upon salary.  So he had to take a BIG pay cut or lose his job.  We were already struggling to stay afloat financially because of me not working much since our daughter was born.  We could NOT afford to lose that much income.  At the time I was only working 15 hours or even less a week at a fairly low hourly amount.  This allowed me to contribute at least a little bit monetarily and I had total flexibility so that I could be there for our daughter.  I volunteered at her school (which I LOVED and miss so much), took her to and from various appointments, lessons and friends' houses, did the shopping, cleaning, laundry, etc.  I loved being able to be there for her.  Michael, being a responsible provider for his family, agreed to take the cut, but immediately started looking for a better position at a better salary. 

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason.  This thought, and some good deep breathing, gave me the strength to do what needed to be done.

I had myself a good cry, got angry, and then got focused.  I updated my resume (a challenge in itself) and started combing the job postings online and in the paper.  I asked friends for recommendations if they heard of anything out there that I might be able to do.  I filled out applications.  I went on interviews.

I was very fortunate to find a great company with an entry level customer service job that was open.  The interview was long (2 hours!) and intense, but I liked them and they liked me. So I went from fretful mostly stay-at-home mom to fretful working mom. 

In the big scheme of things, Michael's former employer actually did us a favor.  It didn't seem so at the time, of course.  It's amazing what panic that instilled in me.  But I have learned SO MUCH:  about myself; what I'm capable of; new skills; new friends; that I have more to be thankful for than losses to mourn.

So this brings me to: NOW.  Now I am going to do my very best to make time for what every atom of my mind and body have been screaming at me to do:  WRITE!  I need it, crave it, think about it, fear it.  I have so freaking many things in my head that I want to write about that it is difficult to pick a place to start.  Everyone should have such problems, right?

I have felt that the first thing I needed to is document the reason that I stopped writing in this blog, but the task seemed so tedious.  So much has changed since we got "The News."  And it is not easy to look back on that month or so of total panic.  I was a woman who was nearing 40, had not finished college, had been out of the full time working world for over 9 years.  The economy was tanked and jobs that paid what I needed to make were difficult to find.  Especially for someone without a degree or special skill. 

The fear of not being good enough has been my biggest hurdle, and one that I have been trying to find a way around or even avoid altogether.  So today I made myself jump over it.  Someone confirmed for me last weekend what I knew all along:  I just have to write.  Even if it's crap, just write something.  I hope it's not crap.